» 2015 » January
(914) 684-2100
Home  |  Our Firm  |  Attorneys  |  Staff  |  Blog  |  Contact  |  Employment  |  Directions

Guest Blog: Clothes Make the Man

January 6th, 2015

Liane Kupferberg CarterOur guest blogger this week is Liane Kupferberg Carter, Writer, Journalist, and Autism Advocate.

(Originally published on Autism After 16)

It’s 51 degrees out. Which means my 21-year-old son Mickey is wearing shorts and sandals.

“It’s too cold!” I protest.

“But it’s May.” Well, yes.

I get it. He hates socks. Loathes sneakers. Long sleeves drive him crazy. If we let him, he’d leave the house wearing shorts and sandals in January, and probably without a coat. Winter weather doesn’t deter him. Which has turned me into the kind of mother who says, “I’m cold so you have to wear a sweater.”

I remember battling my own mother, who forced me to wear skirts with scratchy crinolines (yes, I’m that old.) Is that what it’s like for Mickey when we ask him to wear clothes that itch or cling or rub, or bother him in ways we don’t even know, because he can’t parse the particulars of his discomfort? “Because I hate it,” he says.

I know how miserable I feel wearing Spanx. Is that how he feels about dress pants with a belt? Loafers? A blazer? Worst of all—a dreaded tie? “I want regular clothes,” he says.

I respect his sensory issues. I want to honor his right to choose what he wears. Unfortunately, there are just some circumstances where you can’t wear what you want, and it’s not only due to weather. Sometimes respecting his right to choose smacks up against the need to dress appropriately, whether it’s a volunteer job, visiting a house of worship, going on an interview, or hiking with his day hab group. It’s dangerous to climb a mountain in sandals, and disrespectful to go to synagogue in a t-shirt and shorts.

“Just for today,” he pleads. “I’ll be careful.”

Why am I making a big deal about shorts and sandals? Am I worried someone will say, “How can you let him go out that way?” and judge me as a bad parent? Yes, it’s chilly, but he’s not going to die of exposure if he goes out underdressed for this weather. Maybe if he does realize it’s cold or wet and he’s not as comfortable as he thought he’d be, he will learn from it, and next time wear something more suitable.

Or not.

I try not to intervene with his choices unless health or safety is at stake. I may say, “What do you think your friends will be wearing today?” or “I don’t think those colors match,” but I won’t stop him if he’s really set on the combination. It’s a fine line between encouraging self-expression, and letting him leave the house wearing clothes that may make him an object of teasing or ridicule.

Haven’t I made similarly inappropriate choices? Worn high heels out of vanity, when I should have opted for more comfortable or practical footwear? Shivered in a thin summer dress I wanted to show off, instead of wearing something more sensible?

Mickey is a young adult now. He is chafing against our restraints. His struggle to pull away from us is developmentally appropriate. The business of adolescence and young adulthood is to separate from your parents, to find your own way in the world. Part of growing up for anyone is learning to make—and live with—one’s own choices.

He starts out the door in shorts and sandals, then goes back to his room. When he emerges, I see he has added a baseball cap and sunglasses. “I’m going to sunbathe today,” he says.

“Pack a sweatshirt,” I say. He doesn’t.

“I look handsome,” he says.

“Very cool,” I agree. And resolve to say nothing more.

Because it’s his choice to make. This isn’t about autism.

It’s about autonomy.

 

Learn more about Liane by visiting her website or friend her on Facebook, and follow her on Twitter.


Is this article of interest to you? If so, please LIKE our Facebook Page by clicking here or follow @Littmankrooks on Twitter.  Learn more about our special needs and special education services  by visiting www.specialneedsnewyork.com.

Share
New York City Office
655 Third Avenue, 20th Floor
New York, New York 10017
(212) 490-2020 Phone
(212) 490-2990 Fax
Westchester Office
399 Knollwood Road
White Plains, New York 10603
(914) 684-2100 Phone
(914) 684-9865 Fax
Attorney Advertising | New York Estate Planning | New York Elder Law | Website by SEO | Law Firm™, an Adviatech Company
This article does not constitute legal advice and should not be relied upon. If you need legal advice concerning this or any other topic please contact our offices to schedule a consultation with one of our attorneys at 914-684-2100 or 212-490-2020.